Relationships and friendships

It’s been long time since my last post. So I thought I’d post tonight because I feel like I’m in the right place. I wanna start off by telling you my grandma’s health is falling down since a week, and today me and my family took her to the hospital so we could find out what was going on, and if she had probabilities to survive somehow. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong, I don’t know about what illness she’s suffering, I guess it’s bronconeumony, but if there’s one thing I realized, it’s that my grandma has not much time left. She’s eighty eight now, and I know she’s been really old my whole life, just that, I’ve just realized it seven hours ago when she got really sick. Now she’s interned in the hospital where an uncle is waiting for her to die or to live. Just to wait for politeness, until some doctor tells him some news. I end this up wishing her the best: Thank you for taking care of me, thanks for giving me a lot of bills each month, and coke every time I asked. Thanks for giving me christmas presents every year since I was born (specially the christmas present on 2001, it was a rustic letter writen in french and you convinced, told me you had written it when you don’t even know how to say a word in french! It was my aunt! I caught you). Remember? now remember all those happy moments we spent together, remember when you swore me ten years ago, that you’d be alive by the time I get merried even though it sounds crazy. Hey! remember all of it!. Don’t die, I know you can make it!. Thank you for being such a great grandma…the best!.

My dog has a cough now. If you’ve never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It’s hilarious. I’m trying not to laugh on his face, but it’s so cute/ridiculous to hear him cough, that it makes me smile every time. He’s on medicine. I think it’s his allergies; he’s allergic to more things than Millhouse and Paul from the “wonder years” combined. At last count I think he was allergic to air, lawn grass, water, bones and food. He’s a big nerd, but I love him.

You know, I get bored every time somebody asks me about why I don’t have a girlfriend. It’s all seem to be ridiculous. I don’t get it why mostly girls can’t see a life without seeing their future getting merried to a man and having kids. This morning while my sister was talking to me about how embarrassing was her conversation with some girl from North Ireland; when she didn’t know that Ireland and North ireland were two different countries. anyways…the point is, some ex classmate approached her, saw her face and directly told her that my sister’s boyfriend should be very proud of her!. I’m sorry… what? I bet she didn’t see any guy next to us besides me. Unbelievable?, not really, I was expecting something worse from that old friend of my sister. She’s twenty-one, and was holding up a baby on her arms already, next to a man.

Just to speak, it’s supposed that we’ve got to agree? because a LOT of people inspire others to think same way. I can see many guys of my age, hoping to find some person that can love them as much as they do, that it’s necessary to have a person that can give you support through good times, bad times. Bullshit! I don’t need that kind of things just to feel better, especially when young people have no idea about those things. neither do I!, of course not!, I have no idea how to deal with myself. what do you expect me to give you?, support? love?. why don’t you begin to enjoy your friends intead of hoping to get someone who doesn’t know how to deal with you as a boyfriend/girlfriend!. At worst you are a young insecure person that can only imagine life from passing through a relationship to next just because you don’t think you’re worthwhile enough.  Of course I’m talking about young relationships, because I can tell mature relationships such marriage do can reach big expectations. I’m talking about these young people that think relationships are everything, and pass their lives hoping to get “the best dream ever”: to have a relationship!. Puff!

I’ve had a couple of relationships before. yes, I know those things I’ve said take revenge on me. But I’ll tell you why I got to that point. First of all, I was a loner. no friends, no talks, no socialization whatsoever. If you’re like that and somebody offers you a friendship, you’d take it, right? but the problem is when you and your friend start acting quite more than friends. In the beginning of the frienship, they’re friendly, confident, wise, generous, cheerful and showed a lot of interest in self as a friend. then the friendship become a relationship and it often take you aback. There are a number of reasons why relationships end. You have fewer values in common, the edgy competition which sustained your friendship becomes irksome, your friend makes you feel guilty and her/his company ceases to be pleasureable. Despite I didn’t mean to have relationships, they happened. They happened and I didn’t realize they happened. yes, there are things I learnt from relationships. My kissing skills got better, I can talk to girls easily; I wouldn’t have been able to socialize with girls as easy as I do now. I’d say having a relationship is the same like having a friendship in the concept of socialization because you’re interacting all the time. But now that I know how it’s like, I can say that I hate dating. I’d rather to have a good friendship, it’s all simple. of course there’s still responsability., but I’d still rather to have and maintain a good relationship, that way I can stay on my side telling you not to date at this age!.

Dates make me laugh all the time. “Kids” don’t take a relationship as it is. They always find a way to give up. They make something wrong, and then apologize, and apologize again, and again. Dates are ridiculous!. They’re proved to be extemely boring. If you’re a teenager, you’ll get only a stupid relationship, which appearance is all that matters in most cases.

The same happens with friendships. If you want to have a friend, make an effort!. If you get to know that person well, make a big effort!. If your met a friend through internet, it’s more complicated, but make an effort!. Few days ago an online friend and I were talking about how cool is facebook. But when I asked her if she contacts or talks to these people she adds randomly through facebook, she hesitantly said no. It’s ironic actually…knowing individuals on a superficial basis (i.e. “oh, I know you, and you know I exist”) and then categorising them as friends. I’m aware I don’t keep in contact with all my facebook friends, but at least I try to make my few friendships better. I know it’s complicated because people change much especially when they’re adolescent. When one person changes, do the friends accept the ‘new’ you? Or do you still want to hangout with your “friends”?. It’s too bad that we all can’t be the best friends from the crib until we die, but everyone is around for a reason. I really regretted and wished things were different when my ‘friends’ and I weren’t getting along as good as previously but sometimes it’s good to clear out bad friends and make space for new / better friends.

The closer you get to know them, the more you notice the “faults” you missed before they became close. And if it is a personality change, it’s not usually just the friends that have changed. It is usually both people that change. If the changes affect the relationship you have to look into yourself as much as you do the person you are judging. Sometimes you will notice they have not changed much at all but you just expect something different at that stage of the friendship. I am big on expectations of loyalty from friends and family. I always have been and always will be. It has cost me friendships because I expect more than they do. That is not their fault, it’s mine. If it becomes clear that the person is not someone you want to buddy around with then, yes you have to make a decision. I have always felt it best to just distance myself from persons I no longer share a feeling of bond towards. And then if we do happen to continue to run in similar circles there is rarely any animosity when you do bump together. And sometimes once the proper distance has returned they are not so bad to be around on occasion.

Regrets and stuff

Hey there!. For one reason or the other I’ve been stuck at photography and video games these past days. Maybe because vacations made me go this way, or because I just really liked spending my whole time, playing and taking pictures around. but now I say I don’t regret what I did.

I know some people don’t subscribe to this idea of regret. I can understand that. I wish I could look at it that way too, that it was just another experience. It was, but one I think I’d rather not have experienced if I had the choice.

My regrets are mostly to do with myself, and my friendships. I’m quite lucky that decisions about my education have so far been good ones, if not the best. (I hope I will make good decisions for my career, but most importantly is to enjoy it). I thought choosing a career which I had no awareness whatsoever was risky, but the risk paid off because I got to do an effort that I enjoyed very much because I realized that wasn’t the right for me, although it was good. I don’t know if I wanted it, because I had no clue what graphic design was about until I studied for it, and when I did find out, it wasn’t all that bad. You need bad experience sometimes because it builds character.

So, right, back to myself and my friendships. I regret the way I behave sometimes when I react at the height of my emotions. I can be pretty melodramatic, and I blow things out of proportion. When I calm down, I feel so ashamed because it would be a small conflict, but I made it so big that it became big. Actually, sometimes it can be a big thing and I am not being melodramatic, but the way I react makes me embarrassed, because even if it was a big thing, I could have approach it in a more dignified manner, couldn’t I? Then the other person would look like a total ass and I would look even better because of that!

As for my friendships, I have some I regret. I regret being close to an ex friend Victor at one point in high school, because I find out that the reason he was being buddy with me was so he could find out more about me and then go badmouth me to his other friends. The keep your friends close and your enemies closer approach. I feel stupid, because I actually liked him. He was witty, confident, friendly, everything that I was not and admired it at that moment. When I found out, I felt betrayed and foolish, because I couldn’t see through his fakeness. He never had any intention to be my good friend, but demonstrated all the social conventions of seeming to want to be mine. I’ve never been treated like that before. I’ve had friends with whom I grew close to and then we drifted apart, and I kinda regret those friendships too, but not the bitter way I did with Victor. Even until the last day of our class together at the party, I refused to take a photo with him. I refused whatever he asked to do with me.

And then there are other relationships I did not regret having, but regretted the way they ended. Of course I wish they didn’t end if I could choose, because I was socializing all the time, but I regret how I didn’t keep in touch with them. I also regret how and why they ended, because I have contributed to those reasons. Maybe if I am more mature, less demanding, more secure in myself, things would have been different. We could break up later anyway, but at least it wouldn’t be my fault as much? I would’ve tried my best?. Now I’m alone.

Sigh, regrets. I do wish some things didn’t happen in my life. That said, I do not deny these events. I may be ashamed of them, but I admit them. To pretend they didn’t happen is to deny a part of me in that moment of time, because had the circumstances been different, I would not have regret it. That would be a bit contradicting, to deny things simply because I do not like it.

Regrets are like mistakes. They are mistakes, the kind you wish you had known better. And like mistakes, they are lessons of their own kind. They are better lessons than ordinary mistakes, because you can make the same mistake over and over again, not really learning it, but with regret, the lesson sticks better in your head and you would make a conscious effort not to repeat it. Which doesn’t mean you won’t make that mistake, but if anything, regret does teach you something about yourself. What you choose to do about it is up to you.

Back to loneliness

Now I don’t know why I came online. maybe because I have a lot time alone, and there’s nothing else to do. I’ve been feeling really alone for about a week, when my vacations began. Now I don’t have somebody who I can talk with. But some part of my brain likes to be alone. I don’t know, it’s like you can figure out everything just by thinking and working on something that you have been concerned about. But no, to be honest, I’ve never solved things when I feel alone or depressed. BUT, I did solve something last sunday. and I feel proud of it, because it’s been killing me since I finished high school. it’s not killing me anymore, but it’s left a big track in me. The thing was about choosing my career in college. I still have lots of doubts inside me, but I think I have passed through something very hard to deal with.

Last sunday I decided to study something that I’ve loved my whole life. even though, I’m not sure about it. But I guess I’ll make sure by having some experience rather than thinking of probabilities. But knowing who I am, I will still have doubts of it by the time I reach it. I don’t care, I just want to enjoy college as much as I always wanted. Sometimes I think it wouldn’t matter if I choose the wrong career again. As long as I can enjoy it and have fun during it . I don’t agree with that part of my brain that says I like being alone. I really need to be busy, although I don’t like to be busy, I don’t like to have stress over my back and shoulders, but I’d prefer that, than to have time to let my depression comes again, and think about other things that only do harm. I won’t say I hate to be alone, because sometimes I do like, but it happens when there’s some tv show or a soccer game. (I don’t like watching a soccer game while talking to somebody. and no, I still don’t agree with that part of my brain).

Now I won’t begin college untill july 21th. so I have to make sure what to do, because I wouldn’t like to be wandering around my house, having nothing to do while everybody is having fun and making fun of me.

I won’t deny that I became a lonely person again. yeah, I had times in school when I was the cool boy and everybody wanted to be with me having fun. Because I was funny, smart and sort of different. Although I was ugly and bad student. That time was after ninth grade. Before that, I was a creepy sad person, and unfortunately I’m starting to be just exactly who I was. (except the creepy thing :P).

I’ve just had a call from an ex classmate, told me there’s a party tonight. unbelievable!. No way!, I don’t have pants, they’re all dirty. well at least there’s a party. I hope it’s fun, I need fun.

Hopes,Friendships and relationships

I sat in my room on my bed tonight, and I decided that I was in the mood to post. maybe it’s the writer in me, maybe i’m just bored. but either way, I’m going to do it anyways. so if you’re not interested I understand. I give you permission to stop and click out now. this will probably be a little random, and you may not like what I say, so prepare yourself.

I have to tell you how funny it is to look at how much i’ve changed. but it’s even funnier to look at how much i haven’t. when we’re young, we’re taught that when things get tough we always have tomorrow to look forward to. the notion that tomorrow will always bring better things is one that continues to be taught today. but tomorrow for me brings something different than the promise of something “better”. it brings me one day closer to having to figure out what tomorrow really means.

I have this problem, with trusting people. I meet people and I want to believe so badly that they’re good, that they’re real. that they just want as much as I do to have an incredible friendship. an a happy and healthy relationship. I’ve never had a friendship like I mentioned, maybe that’s why I’m searching for best in people all the time. Now I don’t have much friends, just several people I call friends even knowing they’re not, and they were not to me. I guess I have to get used to it, being alone and making fun of myself everyday.

Now my few friends are all online, how it can be possible?, this is because I’m not able to make friendships in my daily life?. Although I love my few friends, I need them to be close to me when I need them. when I’m depressed, when I’m sad and feeling lonely, where are they?, I can’t give them a call asking to be here with me. However, I’m grateful to them for being my friends. Maybe I’m saying too much shit without sense. They know I care about them, I know they care about me. I’m just concerned in knowing why I find it so hard to socialize.

Friends…what do they mean?, How are they able to take influence in our lives?. Some years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to answer it. but now, I’m starting to know how it’s like. and it’s cool being concerned about others. and sometimes to feel loved. to take care about others, and to be cared by others.

I’ve felt like an alien in my own place. Although, I like this way, bucause, to be honest…I wouldn’t like to be just the way people are where I live. it hits me when people always do same things. everybody likes the same, and see their future in the same boring way. Maybe I’m too stupid not to appreciate what others give me. But I feel like an alien when it happens, and it happens often. Now I’m around of people like that, but I’m trying not to care about that, I’m just socializing, searching for boring talks.

I learnt that I don’t like dating, like to meet someone for the first time just for the sole porpose of going on a date where small talks and a silly movie and dinner will be involved. If I want a movie or dinner, I’ll take my friends, if I want a romantic relationship, I’ll take someone I already know and trust. Dates are proved to be extremely boring, to say the least. How can you date someone if you’ve met him/her just a while ago?, it would be just because the appearance, and it doesn’t make sense, unless you want to have failure relationship, or…you just want to have sex for one night. that way, you better go to a party and enjoy it as much as possible. Now I believe that if you want to have a successful relationship… date a friend.

Have you grown at all?

It’s been strange to turn 16, now 17, and it keeps on going (or so I’ve been told) It made me think wheter I’m growing, not just getting older. Many times I think of myself as the kid I’ve been for most of my life. I can’t get it that I’ll be an “adult” for next year. Hey! I’m still a kid!, what’s going on here?. No, I was kidding, just that adults are those grown up, alien people. I’m not like that. I was a kid, I’m still a kid and I’ll be a kid somehow, it’s my being’s part. But people don’t take it as it is. I find it funny that a lot of people have told me I’m immature just because I laugh and make jokes (bad ones) all the time.

But something has changed in me. It hits me when I’m at uni and people treat me like an adult. It hits me inside my own family. When I act with strange people, they seem to treat me as an adult, always. I don’t know if it’s because my voice, my look, or my way to be a serious person (at first), or it’s due to being polite, I guess is that. when I’m driving my dad’s car, I feel myself weird, like if only adults can drive a car. Although nobody see me in an unexpected way. so I guess I’m a fucking adult driving a fucking car.

I’ve spent my latest years of high school being depressed, so I think I’m not having a good adolescence. There must be something I’ve turned around for good. Is there something I can refer to as: “This is something I would have pulled out 5,4 years ago…but I can do now?”.

I’ve stopped trying to be things I am not. I cannot say I’m completely over it. But it has improved a lot. I had an obsession about wanting to be everything, know everything, do everything. But mostly I was just so ashamed of myself. I thought anything else was good but me. I used to be jealous of everything and everyone. Being around people was painful for me because my mind was just focusing on how much of the other person I lacked “He can make friends easily… why can’t I? I suck! I was exhausting.

I stopped thinking that dating was an impossible skill I would never get. I have been a 1# geek most of my life. I used to think I had gotten lost in the school life. and I was wandering around trying to find my way just when the other kids were having dating classes. My love life can be summed up in a little notebook. First kiss at age 15. Running away afterwards in shame and confusion, leaving the girl dazzled. She was a stranger but I didn’t seem to care. as you can see I was a kid, and she was…no idea, but she seemed to be 18 or something like that. I had an “online girlfriend” that year too. I’ve never fallen in love, none of my ex girlfriends fell in love with me. So I guess they were both crazy relationships, just to having fun, and to gain experience. Now I know dating is not an impossible thing to do.

I don’t feel as a loner as much as I used to. I learned to adapt to other people being different and enjoy my time with them. Otherwise, just get away, not linger while wondering “Why I’m such a weirdo, I can’t get along with them”.

I stopped trying to make everyone happy just so I could fit. I can be an ass right now. I can make people feel bad if I really want to. And it turns out I don’t want it too often. But at least I know I’m good to the people I really want to be good with.

I don’t feel ashamed of my flaws as often as I used to. I think this blog and the other one have helped a lot for that. Also reading other blogs have helped me to realize I’m not a failure as I used to think of myself. I think making mistakes is as good as winning. If I’m intelligent, I’ll find out that mistakes will never be done again because I have passed through them already. and experience is one of the most important things in life.

I’ve been feeling more comfortable in my own country. While I used to wish I could get out of of it as soon as possible. I’m still not patriotic. I still want to live somewhere else, but I’ve calmed down from those times when I thought I would happily go to work as a thief rather than staying here one more second.

I’ve become a full atheist instead of agnostic. I’ve also calmed down and tried to avoid all religious debates. It’s just my way to think, and I can’t force anyone to think that way.

I know all these changes may desappear or be forgotten, especially when my depression attacks. But it’s great to realize that not all is bad in my life, not all the time at least, and I’m currently changing step by step.

All these things made me think of something I read about “self acceptance or self improvement”, I say self improvement, but most of the improvement I’ve mentioned has really consisted on self acceptance. So, which one is it?

So, you think you have grown over the years?, or is there a moment or age in your life you’d rather be right now?

Letter to myself

This is something I wrote yesterday while I was falling asleep.

Dear Self,

I know that all these things that keep happening to you and your family make you feel like you’re not worth anything. You feel trapped in a nightmare, lost somehow. Your heart is broken, and it seems as if it will never heal. You dream of things that, in this moment, appear unattainable. This miserable existence is driving you crazy, and there is no escape.

You must remember that all things happen for a reason, and many of them are simply to make you stronger. Life is what it is now, to mold you into the person you need to be for tomorrow. You need to be stronger in body and mind. You need to be smarter, bolder, independent. You need to understand the importance of family.

Yes, there is more to come. But not all is bad, not if you do something about. Life is about change; but the most important changes are not made until you make them.

This is not your fault. You truly are going through hell, and the fact that you feel like you are not capable of doing anything right now doesn’t mean that’s how you are as a person. You are NOT being irrational. Your perception of the world has changed, has been covered with a somber but really subtle mental curtain, and what’s wrong is that PERCEPTION, not your interpretation of it. Whatever the cause it is of that perception becoming tainted, the point is that it is altered, not yourself. Anyone who had to be behind that sneaky curtain of doom would probably interpret the outside the same way and also feel the same you’re feeling. All you need to work on right now is on getting rid of that curtain, not on altering your thoughts on it. Any rational process based on a wrong perception is meant to be wrong. It has to. Nobody else can see this alteration because it’s in your mind, and they will try to convince you that your behaviour IS irrational. I know this is hard to take because you are a scientist and it sounds like cheap faith garbage. But this is not about faith, is about doubting your own perception, and realize it is possible that it has been altered. This is actually about being skeptical. Why? Try to objectively analize what you have done, said and thought when you have been “alright”. Imagine yourself doing all that now. Feels like too much, doesn’t it? Well, it was a piece of cake when you did it, and even the things that were hard were sucesfully acomplished. You have done all you’ve ever set your mind to, and you don’t remember it now, but you have created ways to remember it. Remember? lol, you are a memory freak, you were able to recognize that you couldn’t rely on your own memory, because once depression is involved, that hard drive is altered aswell; so you took pictures of every dust in the corner, you made blogs, journals and saved all you can in hopes that when your memory tells you you’re a miserable failure, you can confront it with the external device and say “HA, busted”.

It is hard to accept that your very own tool to see the world has been corrupted, but you need to learn to recognize when this happens. Who knows if you’ll ever stop getting this, but you at least can learn to ignore it and put your brain on confinement and not believe a word it says until everything is working again.

Well, that’s it for now. Stay safe.

If you love me, let me know

The other night I had a dream that I died. I dreamed that my mom and I were driving somewhere, and there was an accident, and only I died. But it didn’t seem to bother anyone. Everyone just went on with their lives, as if nothing had happened. It was as if I never existed in the first place. This dream led me to think, what kind of an impact am I making on other peoples lives? How does my life relate to others, is it significant? Does it make a difference if I’m here or not?

If I were to vanish off the face of the earth today, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? It’s funny how you think you know the answers to these questions, but when you stop and think about it… is what you think other people feel about you true? Do they really feel that way about you, or is it all just wishful thinking? We want to be missed, therefore we are?

Friends

Friends will always have something in common, whether it’s personal interests, or relation by proximity. What I mean by friends is the generic meaning, not necessarily people whom you really consider your true friends.

Friends will also always have something not in common too. Like in my case, tavo dislikes horror films but I love them; Juan doesn’t like drums but I love them. Which is perfectly natural, since we can’t like all the same stuff. What you like I could possibly detest very much.

In such moments, we may not agree with our friends’ likes or dislikes, but we might understand them. For example, I’ve been asking to a classmate this question: If you have to choose between eating only chocolate-flavoured ice-creams for the rest of your life, or any ice-cream flavour but not chocolate the rest of your life, which would you choose? I chose chocolate, because I really love chocolate and I can’t imagine not being able to eat any chocolate-flavoured ice-cream for the rest of my life that I’m willing to forgo all the other amazing flavours. And I think if this is a decision I have to make in real life, I would choose the same thing; even right now, each time I have a treat at Baskin Robbins (Maui Brownie Madness, yumm!!) or want to buy ice-cream of any sort, my instinct is to go for the chocolate ones. None of my friends classmates have chosen chocolate when I posed this question to them - they all rather forgo chocolate so they won’t miss out on all the other great variety of flavours. And that’s understandable to me; I know not everybody likes chocolate the way I do, and if you look at it, to be able to have practically any ice-cream flavour more than makes up for having to forgo in my humble opinion the best ice-cream flavour of any time!!!

My point is that, in these moments, we can disagree and yet understand why our friends do not feel the same way as us. We don’t judge each other negatively for having differing opinions.

But it’s just ice-cream in that situation. What about differing political opinions, religious outlooks, sexual preferences, et cetera? When the topic is more complicated, it’s harder to put ourselves in our friend’s shoes, it’s harder to see the rationale of their inclinations… so we judge. We wonder, how on earth could they possibly feel / think / do / act / say that way, when it’s clearly not right? And we try to justify with reasons we feel explain their choices. She’s a pessimist, that’s why she’s suicidal… He’s deluded, that’s why he thinks he will strike it rich one day playing the lottery… He’s lazy, that’s why he’s so fat… She’s fussy, that’s why she is so lonely now…

It’s easier to judge because it’s harder to empathise.

…and he comes back

It’s been a couple of crazy busy weeks, months, years, or anything time related. I won’t try too hard to know how long.

I decided to create a real blog in here so I can exchange personal thoughts, experiences with other bloggers. I have a blog in windows live, but I don’t seem to blog there again. That’s not a real site for a blogger, and since my blog disappeared somehow ( I don’t know what really happened), I stop having the appropriate mood to blog again. I know I have there a lot of information about me. It has a big history, but i guess it’s time to stop blogging there and come here to this new and fresh place to start over.I know nobody was reading my last blog lately, but people were not the reason I had a blog for, so I think I’m going to restart writting in here, from time to time, maybe just to have something to work with when I get destructive again.

I feel extremelly exhausted, with piles of work, and all I want to do is sleep, make the time go funny again, make my mind go away.

I have to say that it sucks to have moods like rollercoasters. You try to have everything under control, but then you fall down and things stop having sense and you just want to shut your brain down for a while and wait untill it’s over. But, like you would expect, the world doesn’t stop spinning, and college and people don’t stop functioning, so when the whole thing is over you get this whole load of missing classes, bad grades and people you neglected or insulted without wanting to. If you catch a nasty virus and stay in bed forgetting about everything else, it’s understandable, but for something that feels much more disabling, it’s not. You cannot go and tell your teacher “I’m sorry I missed the exam last week, but my serotonin levels probably dropped, you know, and I could barely move that day.”. It sounds ridiculous. That’s the simplest way to put it, ridiculous. And even if they believed you, it’d woudln’t be much better, how it’d feel to start being treated you like you were weak and couldn’t handle anything challenging. I don’t think I’m weak, still, I can’t help falling down when I do. I think I don’t have to justify myself.

Heh, I did a great work making my first post a vent.

So besides all that, I’ve been using my so far best skill, and done lots of english-spanish translations lately, and I’ve gathered a few coins and bills. The best part about money is using it, so I’ll get to that as soon as I get the time. Probably for pretty shallow stuff, like changing my hair, yeah sounds weird… and buying some clothes. Money rocks like that.